Boom. We have been friendzoned.

Now that the British people have “friendzoned” the rest of Europe, as my friend Dario wrote, what actually worries me is whether the Continental Europe leaders will have the balls to show the Brits where the door is. After all, they asked for it. And at this point, this is a cynical and unpleasant necessity, but still a necessity.

Let us proceed with order. What happened, in fact? I think that the best answer lies in a comment from a reader of “The Guardian” – which is supposed to be a strongly “pro EU” British paper, so this alone should have provided some hint at where this whole story was headed - that I read online during the Euro crisis of 2011. “You wish to live in a country called European Union. We Brits do not.” There is not much more to add: British people wish to be British rather than European. It cannot get simpler than that. And since the Brits live in a democratic country, the end result could not be different than today’s.

Now we could make some other considerations and discover that this is only true of Brits above a certain age, so in fact it is possible that in twenty years’ time the decision made yesterday might become a non-democratic imposition the aged have made over the young. But Europe is growing older, we must face this fact and be prepared for more decisions made by someone else than those who will bear its consequences. Democracy does not come with a correction mechanism for this kind of problem.

However, going back to the balls (Frau Merkel will excuse me if I use this “machism” to represent a leader’s strength of character –  like her or not, she is the strongest of all leaders, so this expression might be inappropriate), the struggle to dump the consequences of what has happened onto someone else has already begun. Boris I, Her Majesty’s future Prime Minister, has said that there is no hurry to invoke article 50. Dave the loser has said that his successor must do it, delaying the inevitable by at least three months for a Tory congress, and maybe even a general election. Pals, it does not work this way. You wanted out. The door is open. Could you please leave? You said we cost you £350 mln per week: you should be eager to enjoy the saving, not to delay it, Boris. Don’t make us suspect that it was all a trick for crying “VICTORY” and you did not actually want to do it. The vote was about Britain going OUT of Europe, not about you going IN at Downing Street, wasn’t it?

While I am strongly afraid that they will not have the persistence needed to actually see Britain out in the appropriate time (concisely expressed in Britain’s own national language as “NOW”), our Continental leaders have already show – at last – some degree of firmness by stating that the will of the British people must be implemented as soon as possible. Mr. Schulz has been even more explicit, tweeting the harsh words “For 40 yrs #UK relation with #EU was ambiguous. Now it's clear. Will of voters must be respected. Now need speedy & clear exit negotiation.”

Now, Mr. Schul is not a diplomat – and he is the Speaker of the European Parliament for this reason, probably, having infuriated Berlusconi when he was acting President of Europe in 2003 by making jokes about soccer (never do this to an Italian: you have the Queen, we have the National Football Team). So he used words that may sound offensive to some Brits. Nevertheless, they represent in full the policy of the British Governments up to Cameron’s cabinet. Ambiguous. I want in, but not exactly totally in, maybe you leave me the option of a sabbatical year? Some time to think more clearly about our relationship?

Let’s face it. If your spouse did to you what Dave did to Europe, you would dump him or her in a moment. Immediate friendzoning.

And this is – hard as it sounds – what Continental Europe should immediately do with Britain. Move it to the friendzone, too. No more Dave vetoing a decision that ALL of the other States wished to implement. No more “I am a special snowflake” agreements negotiated just to say “Sorry, we actually prefer the Out option” some weeks later. You in, you behave like a responsible partner, no special exceptions. You out, you are in the friendzone. As in “we will not let you fuck us [up]”.

If you look at the EU / Eurozone map without Britain, the proportional “weight” of the EU economies which do not use the EURO becomes almost negligible if compared to the Eurozone. Will Poland or Denmark really influence economic policies in the EU once their biggest non-EURO ally is no longer the UK but Sweden? 

Actually, it was Britain’s “maybe in, maybe out” attitude that prevented a better EU integration, not the opposite. Remember the “You want to live… we do not” quote I referenced at the start of this blog entry? Once the Brits are happily in the “friendzone” with Switzerland and Norway, things will naturally move at a faster pace for integration. Of course the Brits can still dream of the Netherlands leaving the EURO in order to form a “Norther market” with the UK and Norway. But they better buy “something strong to smoke” from the Dutch for this purpose, because this is unlikely to go past the dream phase.

So, Continental leaders: boom, we have been friendzoned. Are you ready to friendzone the friendzoners?